Moonlight Goddess speaks to us of repressed emotions, healing and reflections.
What a timely goddess to step up in front of me. For the last 2 weeks consciously, I’ve been fighting with love. You can’t really fight with love, can you? that’s too ironic. But that is what I’ve been doing. I’ve met a man, a man that I feel deeply connected to. A man who after spending a weekend with him, I knew I would marry. And yet I’ve been fighting this love. I’ve wanted to kick it to the ground and leave it there. I’ve wanted to keep convincing myself that it’s OK to love and remain detached. I’ve even contacted my old lover of whom I had stopped seeing when this man came into my life. I had a good arrangement with the lover – no strings attached, no discussion of future plans, no meeting of each other’s children or family and definitely no commitment other than to be respectful and have fun. Perfect arrangement I say, especially for someone who had stepped out of a 25-year marriage three years ago. Nothing happened with the said lover, I merely contacted him and asked of his arrangements for the evening, to which he replied “I thought you were in love” and I said “yes I am, but Im thinking about sabotaging it”
I have been kidding myself with being in love, when my girlfriends all say Wow so happy for you etc etc, because this love takes up my precious time. It means changing my plans and arrangements from full steam ahead (of who knows where) to include and consider someone else. I’ve had to reconsider what I want my future to look like and how I wish to live and, god forbid sharing my bedroom, my inner sanctum space with another person. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
So, I’ve sat with this for a time, and the possibility of going back to the other arrangements I had, and I had to do some deep reflecting of myself and my repressed emotions. Thank you, Moonlight Goddess.
And this is what I came up with. Im scared. Im so darn frightened of what emotions this love may bring with it and what old emotions have been tapped into stirring now that love has awoken them.
The emotions go something like this. They are old, some of them are tied up with my marriage, some are newly tied into who I have emerged into being in my 3 years of being more single than in a relationship.
And it is here I must honour and disclose that I had a beautiful relationship in between husband, lover and this new man in my life but I knew somewhere deep down in my heart that that man was not going to be my soul love, but we would teach each other so much goodness in the time we were together.
When I pulled the Moonlight, Goddess card this morning it all made sense. In surrendering to this love, to this beautiful man who wants to do forever with me, who wants to plan for future times. Im frightened, a little like a cat that’s been cornered. My fear stuff has gone into overdrive, my brain is busy enough as it is so the idea of dealing with love has just been put in the almost too hard basket by me. Until I made contact with the old lover and I remembered that everything is within my choice and what I really wanted to do was to explore this relationship with the man who had just handed me his heart. I want to explore it and be brave and be vulnerable and be sassy and be independent and be all the great and awesome things I am anyway but to just hand over some of the control and replace it with carefree compassion for myself, my heart, my man and my future.
Rock on Goddess of the moonlight – I love the insights you bring.